When life gets hard... notice.

These past few weeks I've been learning that's it easy to preach...
"take care of yourself better"
"stay mindful, meditate, journal, pray"
"get a hobby to keep you grounded"
...and so on when everything in your life is going well. 

It's a whole different story when you're insides are all twisted, your mind is on risk management mode and your body is all pumped with adrenaline to survive whatever threats (imagined or not) that loom in the horizon. 

In the face of challenges, I was calm in the surface but within me I felt my heart hardening.  I thought I’m just growing into a more mature role in life. Strong, structured, serious. Great! I’m maturing! The stiffness I sometimes attribute as strength and structure that I need for myself and the people who rely on me. But my life coach asked me a good question - "Do you like the shift that is happening within you?"

I paused for a long while, because on the one end I think the stiffness is a sign of being practical and more mature.  Traits I've been growing into as a daughter and mother. Finally no longer a little (36yo) kid? 

But I also cried. Because the stiffness also felt like something in me was dying - the carefree Chesca who was most often positively charged and ready to try new things. Brave, kind, strong, loved. Not overly worried about failing or what other people think. Not afraid of anything because she knew she had it in her to survive any challenge.

Do I want to let go of who I am to be the other?

When I do get tidbits of happy and joyful moments and news, I get to smile a little, think positively and push on. It ebbs and flows ~ heavy to light, light to heavy. Stiff to playful, playful to stiff. 

Again, I meet this nuance. This contradiction. This tension. How do I hold both meaningfully? How do I grow into this new season of my life and still be me? It’s a question I cannot yet answer. But I am grateful that I am now aware.

I am grateful that I notice. That I got the help to notice. This means now I have a choice how I move forward.

Who will I choose to be when things get hard? 
Will I put up walls to feel safe? 
Will I complain and mope and feel sorry for myself? 
Will I be brave and still choose joy even when it's hard? 
Will I let my heart grow hard so it doesn't get hurt or leave it soft, vulnerable and kind?

Maybe God is helping me grow my character in this challenging season. For now, I choose to hold both. Grow into this new season I’m being called to. But noticing that it doesn’t have to change the things I like about me. The strengths God gave me. My spirit. 

Will I still preach for people like you and me to  
"take care of yourself better"
"stay mindful, meditate, journal, pray"
"get a hobby to keep you grounded"
?

Definitely. But not to "make you calm" or "resolve your problems". No, that's not the goal. The goal is to merely notice. 

If you're noticing that your heart is hardening too, Mama, maybe you are also being tugged by His spirit to notice. Notice to be aware. To be aware so you can choose how to move forward. We have the power to choose. 

Love, 

Chesca